If you've ever been a victim of "ghosting," raise your hand.
Or you spent a lot of time with someone who eventually said, "This isn't what they were searching for."
Or perhaps you have a friend, close relative, or significant other who is frequently chilly, aloof, and reluctant to open up.
I've been in each of these situations. And, more often than not, it's those of us who pour our hearts out who are met with "emotionally unavailable" people.
Emotional Unavailability: What Causes It?
Although vulnerability has its benefits, it might feel like a losing game when you're dealing with someone who doesn't share your feelings.
According to Robinson-Brown, "it might leave the emotionally available individual feeling rather lonely, devalued, and even rejected." "In addition, it can cause sadness, worry, and emotional weariness."
As a result, we may feel resentful of ourselves or the person with whom we're interacting.
It's crucial to remember that, despite what your inner critic may say, it's not your fault if another person is emotionally unavailable.
- It wasn't taught: Emotionally unavailable people frequently come from families where emotions aren't expressed or shared. Much of what we learn as children and adults is based on what we learn at home. It's quite improbable that someone will understand and trust themselves to communicate emotions if caretakers don't model it.
- It was shamed/judged: When caregivers, other family members, peers, or others shame or judge our emotional expression, it's challenging for us to trust that it's OK to be emotionally vulnerable with others.
- Fear of past relationships: When a previous relationship has caused substantial sorrow or hurt, people may shut down. Fear can prevent a person from opening up again.
- Mental health issues: Anxiety, sadness, PTSD, and personality disorders are just a few of the mental health issues that make it difficult to be emotionally available to others.
- Trauma: A history of trauma can lead to anxiety, sadness, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It might be tough to open up and become vulnerable again when someone is dealing with these symptoms. This is especially true if there is a fear that the other person won't be able to "manage" the trauma or that the experience will be judged.
Signs of an Emotionally Unavailable Person
We all have our moments, but it's crucial to recognize the signs of someone who is actively avoiding making a connection. Consider the following red indicators,
- There is no sharing of the other person's experiences, emotions, or thoughts.
- It's all about you now! While this may feel amazing at first, if you see that the other person prefers to listen to you rather than talk about themselves, it's probable that they aren't attempting to connect with you.
- When it comes to getting together, connecting, or catching up, the person frequently offers excuses.
- The person is dismissive, doesn't listen to what you're saying, or shows little interest in who you are or what you're doing.
It's crucial to accept that their behavior has anything to do with something other than your relationship. And, if you've determined that this individual is truly emotionally unavailable, you must decide how to proceed—if at all.
Not every scenario is straightforward, especially when it comes to friends and family, but remember that you have the right to guard your energy and should not feel compelled to cope with it.
For dealing with and coping with emotionally unavailable people, Robinson-Brown suggests the following steps:
1. Conduct a self-assessment first.
Is it possible that you are emotionally unavailable? Are you ready to be in a relationship with someone who accepts you as you are, with all your flaws and vulnerabilities?
2. Start a Discussion
Start with a chat if you can honestly declare you're ready to be in an emotionally intimate relationship with someone else.
Is the other person aware that they have difficulty sharing emotions and holding emotional space for others, including you?
3. Make Room For Change
Allow the other person to interact with you in a unique way, but don't expect perfection.
4. Reconsider your options.
Determine if this is the right relationship for you. If the other person is unwilling to make changes or take steps to make oneself more available after the chat, assess if it is worthwhile to continue to invest your energy in that individual.