We're rarely given instructions on how to choose our spouses and instead rely on that mysterious power known as 'instinct.' However, being a little more reasonable in this area and figuring out how our instincts function and why they push us towards certain people and away from others pays off big time.
"Choosing your partner is like choosing a painting. You don't choose the best-looking one, you choose the one that makes you feel something"
The underlying difficulty is that we must continue to develop. Partner selection is a voyage of self-discovery that leads us to learn more about ourselves, other people, life, and how we want to live it. With all of this in mind, we can see how much of a risk it is to choose a spouse.
Humans been reasonable about partner selection up until now. Of course, lust and romance have played a role — particularly in the context of affairs, liaisons, and casual flings. People have generally tended away from the romantic and toward the pragmatic when it comes to meaningful lifetime partnership. For honour, prosperity, political expediency, and the preservation of the hereditary line, the wealthy have traditionally chosen a spouse. Less wealthy people have had greater liberty to let their feelings rule their heads because they have less to protect, but they still needed to provide financial security, secure practical assistance, and bear children to provide for later years.
Are They Emotionally Available
Being ready for love necessitates not only emotional openness but also emotional availability. We can't move on to the next volume of our lives if we still grieve that story, if we secretly expect to open up its pages again, no matter how long it's been since our previous relationship. Yes, it is normal to imagine that a new romantic relationship will start a new chapter in one's life. When we look at the tabloid headlines, we see a lot of happy stories about freshly loved-up celebrities who had just broken up a few weeks previously. When we look at online dating sites, we see a lot of profiles that state things like, 'We split up last week, so now I'm looking for love again.'
Maturity
This is the last, tough-love question concerning preparation. Are we mature enough to choose a partner? That very language, ironically, is a test; if we're willing to even ponder the topic, we're probably close to being ready, because success in partner selection often depends on the ability to question oneself with mature and undefended honesty.
Of course, not only we, but also the partner we chose, must be ready for love. As a result, doing due diligence on a potential partner's readiness is more than a good idea. We're not talking about the annoying first-date questions that make the person on the other side of the restaurant table reach for the bill after the first meal, but rather a caring knowledge of whether the person we're starting to care for is actually free.
Time and space for love in their lives?
Are they over their previous relationship or are they still pining for it? Are they pursuing us out of real attraction or to fill a void in their lives?
There are still practical considerations for the rest of us. Do we have enough space in our lives right now to maintain a serious relationship? Online dating, for example, will most certainly take up an hour each night - the equivalent of a week's worth of work – for up to a year.
And once the hunt is completed, life will be much more stressful. Love is beautiful, but it necessitates time, space, energy, and the courage to adapt. And, while our official working hours at the start of the twenty-first century are statistically nearly half of those we experienced at the commencement of the nineteenth, the additional demands on our time, space, and energy – by family, friends, and other obligations – are significant.
Attachment Styles
What value will a collaborator bring to the table? It will never be as simple as evaluating height and weight, values and life goals, or a capacity for emotional reaction to figure out what that is. Importantly, attachment inclinations may not manifest themselves at the outset of a relationship because we are likely to feel completely loved and secure. So, in order to make a rational decision, how can we make at least a top-level guess about a beloved's inclinations in time?
What are the implications of attachment tendencies for partner selection? Similarity can be beneficial. We'll understand each other and thrive on our common desire for security or powerful engagement when we're both anxious or aggressive.
We may experience perpetual thankfulness for the reciprocal freedom when we're both avoidant - that is, assuming we ever manage to get together in the first place.
Dissimilarity can also be beneficial. Some nervous dependency may improve the tie if we compensate for one other; a modest amount of avoidant dependency may strengthen the bond.
Interactions may be stabilized by independence; a little attacking engagement may ensure difficulties are brought to the surface and dealt with in a healthy and timely manner. (At this point, it's a good idea to think about not only your own prior relationships, but also the ones you see around you, as acted out by friends, relatives, or coworkers.) Playing spot the attachment tendency is not only a good way to improve your understanding of potential companions, but it's also a lot of fun.)
However, extremes should be avoided. Be wary if we meet someone who pushes for commitment on the first date, has never been in a relationship that lasted more than a few weeks, or begins a fight within minutes of meeting.
When you're dating, you're looking for a partner who shares your values and goals. This is especially important in a marriage, as this will affect your life. The right partner will respect the differences between the two of you, and will respect your needs. You should also love yourself, and your partner should be happy with you. You need to find a good spouse for yourself and for your children, and you'll never regret it.