Are you the person in your circle of friends and family that everyone else goes to for help, but you don't get as much or think you can handle things on your own? Perhaps you watch after children, family members who are ill, or provide assistance to anyone in need. Do you ever feel exploited and resentful because people don't respond to you the way you want them to?
In my therapeutic practice, I observe a lot of individuals pleasing and always agreeing to help others. It frequently leaves the person feeling neglected, uncomfortable, and even depressed because they are unable to meet their own needs while everyone else is given precedence.
How can you stop people from pleasing you and establish boundaries?
Stop and wait for a moment — The next time someone begs for your aid or you feel compelled to do anything for someone else, take a 5-second pause before agreeing to something or offering to help someone else. Then consider how this will affect you - how will you feel if you do or do not do this? Just ask yourself, "Is this ok with me or is this not ok with me?" Do I have the necessary resources to do this task and feel well afterwards?
- Practice saying "no" in front of a mirror — Say "No" out loud in various ways, using various tones of voice or volume. If you don't speak English as your first language, practice saying "no" in your native tongue and notice how it feels in your body.
- Don't go into too much detail – get right to the point. You might convince yourself out of saying "no" if you go into great detail about yourself.
- Use "I-language" – "I feel X when Y happens" – when you want to bring up an issue with someone. When you speak openly about your experience, people are more likely to listen to you.
- People will put you to the test.